about a book

jaclynday:

What I’ve Read: Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi

This moving memoir about de Rossi’s journey in and out of severe anorexia and bulimia is not a long book—but every page is worthwhile and meaningful. The authenticity of her voice is seemingly not lost upon a ghost writer and she leaves no stone unturned in the sometimes brutal retelling of her story.

At her lowest point, 82 pounds, de Rossi was eating less than 300 calories a day and manically exercising to overcompensate for it. At one point, she chews a piece of gum as a “treat” (a piece is ten calories) then devours the entire pack, chewing one piece, spitting it out and grabbing another. Horrified that she just ate 80 calories of gum, she sprints back and forth in a parking garage in order to rectify the wrong. This unhindered view into the mind of a disordered eater is one of the most honest I’ve read.

Part of what makes this book so fascinating is that you know she has a happy ending. When she discusses her intense fear of the paparazzi outing her as a lesbian, you still know how things end up. That doesn’t diminish how good this book is, though.

The sobering part of reading this book was how relatable it was on some level for me. I have family members and friends that have long struggled with eating disorders. I witnessed some of it first hand, and the horror of seeing someone essentially lose themselves is heart-wrenching. To make matters worse, and de Rossi addresses this, there is no perfect cure. There is medication that helps, counseling that provides encouragement and support, but as she says, none of that matters until the person has an epiphany and sees truly what they have been doing to themselves and their body. de Rossi’s turn into recovery started with a phone call from her doctor and ended with the realization that no one could change her thoughts about food and her body except for herself. Everyone usually assumes that a “medical scare” is enough to change behaviors. The people who think that usually haven’t had one. From heart attack victims to anorexics, a medical scare isn’t enough if you haven’t already decided to change your path.

I think this is an important book for women to read. At the very least, it is a scathing blow at the entertainment industry’s treatment of a woman’s weight. Early in the book, de Rossi, at a fitting, is mocked for being a size 8. When de Rossi is in recovery, she feels betrayed. She can’t believe she allowed herself to buy into the “thin body is beautiful” brainwashing.

Despite all that, there’s another reason women need to read this book: all women have struggled with eating disorders, whether they were the ones with the eating disorder, or they knew someone who did. It’s an epidemic that spreads everywhere—and if you think you’re immune, that you don’t know someone who has an eating disorder or did have one, you’re probably wrong. The obsession with our weight and the attractiveness of fad diets is hard to escape—even harder if you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

I’ve written a lot about my own thoughts on my body and my eating on here in the past and I don’t want this book review to turn into a diatribe, but suffice it to say that I’ve had my share of unhealthy thoughts about eating and a few bouts of on-the-fence behaviors to go along with it. Sometimes the strangest things can become normal the more you think about them. I still struggle with my feelings about how I look. I know that I’m a poster child for body dysmorphic disorder. I rarely look in the mirror and like what I see. But, I have a healthy appetite and value food too much as fuel. The feeling of low blood sugar, or that pit in your stomach when it starts to gnaw at you for food—those are things I hate. I’d rather eat whatever I want and have to work harder to maintain a healthy weight than explore any of the unhealthy, obsessive alternatives again.

Anyway, I’ll stop this before it gets too long—but to sum it up, this book was incredibly well-written and thought-provoking and I highly recommend you read it.